honest + lukewarm

I am lukewarm.

I can’t believe that January is already almost over, I can already tell that this semester is going to fly by just as fast as the last (and honestly I’m not complaining!). This month has been so sweet to me: school is going well, I was able to attend Passion 2015 in Atlanta with 35 of my sweet sorority sisters, and I got to take a spontaneous trip home to see my big brother propose to the love of his life (eeeep I’m getting in my feels just thinking about it—she said yes, by the way!). SO MUCH JANUARY JOY.

Something else I did this month was read Crazy Love by Francis Chan, an incredibly eye-opening book on the idea of God’s relentless love for us and our own capacity to love him in return. As I mentioned in single + radical, part of my “rad sab” plan has been to read Christian literature, in addition to the Bible, throughout the semester as a source of encouragement for my plan and reassurance of God’s presence in my daily life. This book definitely showed me new truths about God and his word, as well as how I need to be living my life as a Christ follower.

One chapter in particular really resonated with me. It was chapter 4, entitled, “Profile of the Lukewarm,” in which Chan outlines the typical characteristics of a Christian that is living a “lukewarm” lifestyle, rather than one that is on fire for the kingdom of God. I titled this post “honest + lukewarm” because reading that chapter and writing this post has forced me to do some serious self-evaluation and be brutally honest (with myself and anyone who may read this) about my spiritual life, social life, friendships, loyalties, faith journey, etc … and that is not always our favorite thing to do, am I right? It’s one thing for me to be brutally honest with others, I’m very good at that. But with myself? Not so much.

SO things are about to get really transparent here on the blog. One of the characteristics mentioned really hit home with me. He writes:

“Lukewarm people gauge their morality “goodness” by comparing themselves to the secular world. They feel satisfied that while they aren’t as hard-core for Jesus as so-and-so, they are nowhere near as horrible as the guy down the street” (Chan 72).

Wow. Did this guy just write my biography??? This is most definitely one of my core struggles as a follower of Christ. You’ve probably heard it said, “comparison is the theif of joy,” and it is true when comparing yourself to people whom you believe are better and/or worse that you. (What even is better or worse anyways? Who decides that?) When I came to college after a very life-altering summer, I chose to attempt to live my life in a way that I thought was more holy: I don’t drink, smoke, or sleep around. I attend church regularly, as well as other Christian gatherings and events throughout the week. I’m the chaplain of my sorority pledge class and help lead a Bible study every week. Essentially, I have it all together…hahahahah that couldn’t be any farther from the truth. But when I start to feel guilty about the more hidden sins in my own life, I start to look at my peers and compare myself to them. I say things like “well at least I don’t get drunk and have sex like so-and-so.” Or, “at least I’m going to church and bible study, unlike so-and-so.”

IS THAT NOT AWFUL? It’s shameful to think about, much less write about. This is a twofold problem: First, I have the mentality that our own “level of sin” has anything to do with our acceptance in the kingdom. This is where I preach to both myself and anyone else with this parasitic mentality. It does not matter how much you sin. How publicly you sin. How bad you sin. On the other hand, it doesn’t matter how many church services you attend. How many hours a day you spend praying. How much you don’t sin. God’s love for you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the nature of himself. He loves us because he created us. He sent his own son to die to prove it. Here’s what scripture says about this:

“But God demonstrates his love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” –Romans 5:8

“For it is by grace you have been saved through faith in Christ, and not by works, so no one can boast” –

“Nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” –Romans 8:39

How great is that news? That nothing, not even the most disgraceful of sins, can separate us from God’s relentless and undeserved love? If we wish to embrace this truth, we must also understand and practice this:

            “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” –Romans 3:23

“Do not judge others, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye’ when all the time there is a plank in yours?” – Matthew 7:1-4

Secondly, I think that if I sin less and do enough good things, I’m somehow better than the people who sin more publicly and demonstrate their faith less publicly. Here comes the preaching again, listen up self.  Refraining from “public sin” or any sin at all does not make us more righteous. Who am I to look at someone and say “how dare you sin that way?” when I sin in different ways? Doesn’t the Bible tell us that sin is all the same? How dare I judge someone when God has told us “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). THE WHOLE POINT OF THE GOSPEL is that sin is  d e a d. Sin has no power over our lives, Christ was the one and only atoning sacrifice that completely covered all of our sins from yesterday and today and tomorrow and forever and WOW isn’t that incredible???? Now upon living in this manner, it does not mean we should go on sinning or that we should let our brothers and sisters go on doing so either (but that’s another day and another blog post). As for today, I want to work on realizing that I have no power to be judgmental of others, because I too am just a dirty rotten sinner that was saved by God’s grace and love.

Does this mean I’m going to get drunk and treat people terribly or do anything of the like? Of course not. Learning to accept people doesn’t mean acting like them. We are called to be in the world but not of it. I plan on continuing to attend my church regularly, lead a Bible study, and try to refrain from doing things of this world. But not because I am trying to gain anything from God or because I think I am better than anyone else; but because I am on a journey to run steadfast to Jesus, arms high and heart abandoned, forgetting what the world tries to make me believe and embracing the beautiful, perfect, relentless, unchanging, forgiving, amazing love of my God. And I am going to stumble. Over and over and over. As long as I live. And I would hope that when people look at my life, they don’t look at those faults or the mistakes that I will inevitably make, or the sins that I so frequently am guilty of, but that they will see right through me and right to Jesus.

Now this is not an easy fix. Writing this did not fix me. Reading these passages does not permanently fix this problem. It takes daily practice, continuous prayer, asking God to constantly convict and remind us of this fatal flaw so that we can work on changing it so something more beautiful and Christ-like. So I put on the glasses of Christ, to see people as he sees them: perfect and righteous and good because he created them and he loves them. I want to love people with that kind of love: a love that forgets their mistakes and looks past their flaws and sees the good in who they are. The good that God created. A love that is boiling over and never lukewarm. A love like the love I get to experience every day.

God, I am so thankful that you love me, that you love all of us, even those of us who are hard to love. I am so lost without you. I am living so terribly lukewarm, and I want to be on fire for you and your kingdom’s will. Help me to see others with eyes that love and accept, not eyes that judge or discriminate or compare. Help me to realize that loving people is the only thing you have ever asked of me. I love you and I want to be an element of miracles that bring people to you, not a religion-obsessed judge. Thank you for loving me despite the fact that I am ugly with sin. Thank you for loving all of us relentlessly.