tempted + distant

I am running.

Yesterday I wrote a really long post about feeling distant from the Lord due to temptation and sin. It messy and elaborate and detailed and weird and sad. And honest.

Writing it did not make me feel any better. Strangely, praying about it did not make me feel any better either. I felt defeated. I was a disappointment. I needed some serious time to figure out how I was going to be forgiven, by God and by myself. This was not a time of choosing joy, because I did not feel like I deserved it.

Today, I went down to the river, sat in my hammock, and read the Book of Psalms, which always brings comfort to my soul, and prayed.

“When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.”

-Psalm 73:21-28

Our feelings of distance from God have nothing to do with him and everything to do with us.

While we are busy believing that we must hide our sin or that we cannot turn to him when we are broken, he is saying, “Why are you running from me? Turn around, I am right here waiting to give you all of my love.” He is not angry with you. He is not disappointed. He already knows what you have done and how you are feeling and he has already forgiven you. True Love died over 2000 years ago so that you didn’t have to feel this way. God is not wrathful; he is compassionate. He wants to wipe your tears and tend to your wounds and remind you who you are. You are redeemed, set free, righteous in the eyes of God because we have been made clean and pure like Christ. We are created to be joyful in the Christ because of all he has done for us! We are of no use to his kingdom when we are wallowing in self-pity and drowning in guilt and shame. He came to eradicate that. Redemption came from one pure sacrifice, once and for all, but the process happens every single day. Do not complicate things and insult his greatness by thinking that your sins are too deep. Embrace his forgiveness. Rest in his love. Soak up his wisdom. Cry out to him. He will answer, every single time. Try again tomorrow.

You were created by a God who is incapable of mistakes.

Your sins and short-comings do not make you unworthy; they make you needy for the one who can compensate for them.

It is in times we need God most that we seem to pursue him the least.

Stop running. Turn around. He is waiting for you.

{ where sin runs deep, your grace runs deeper }

God, I have been running from you because I am ashamed of temptations that I thought had seen their last days. But all my sins, all my trials, all my inadequacies find victory in YOU, for you are the one I am living to serve. You do not expect perfection from us, God, and how great is that news! I am so sorry for the ways I have sinned against you; you have taught me that living according to your word is the only way I will have joy, and I am continuously learning that. I am sorry that I ever thought you were out of reach, when all the while you were pleading for me to come to you so that you could forgive me. Thank you for your son, and for his sacrifice, that I do not have to face the wrath I deserve but rather the grace and mercy that you offer freely. May I not take advantage of this gift but instead live a life that thanks you for it in how I treat others. I love you, Lord. How blessed I am to be covered in seas of crimson that wash me white as snow.