fire + fizzle

I am not always who I want to be.

I am a Christian. I lead my daily life as a follower of Christ. I attend several college services throughout the week, several intimate Bible studies, and church on Sundays. I help lead a Bible study for my sorority and I spend lots of time in prayer.

But my oh my, most days I am falling apart at the seams. Not only in the messiness of my exterior, but the brokenness of my interior.

You know who doesn’t seem to be falling apart at the seams? Everyone else. Going to school in the south and being part of so many great ministries is a both a blessing and a curse. There are so many truly incredible and inspiring people who seem like they really have their lives in order; spiritually, socially, emotionally, relationally, the list goes on and on. I look up to these people. I admire them from afar. I wish maybe I were more like them. I know that my relationship with the Lord is secure. But the human in me (aka all of me) is very insecure. She compares herself to others and doubts her heart’s real desires. She is selfish and skeptical of others. She is easily angered and quick to speak. She is sinful. She is sad about these things. (Something strangely therapeutic about third person, amiright?)

I feel a lot of pressure to get it together, especially lately. Coming from the home I grew up in, and now being who I am in college, I feel like I have to start really becoming a much better version of myself. This is good pressure I think! It encourages me to get in the Word, be more positive, spend more time in prayer, and ultimately be far more introspective in my own Spiritual life.

It is so easy to feel inadequate in this world. It is easy to look at other people, other believers in particular, and feel like we are not good enough for the Kingdom. It is easy to judge someone’s relationship with Christ based on its outward appearance: the way they worship, how many Bible studies they attend, the Christian camps they work at, the time they spend at church, their apparent lack of sin, their “public holiness.”  The list goes on and on. In the same way, it is so easy to base our own “success” in our spiritual life based on how many of these outward expressions of the faith ring true in our own lives. Are we doing enough? Are we radical enough? Am I attending enough church events? Do I have evidence of my faith in my social media? Do I look like I’m on fire for Christ?

I recently read an article called “Sexy Christianity,” which addressed the idea that it has become culturally trendy to be “on fire for God.” The article calls us not to live out a radical faith because it is “trendy” or “edgy.” Our generation in particular seems to be fixated on this idea of being “all in” for the Cross. But, are we really all in? Or is our social media all in? Is our summer vacation all in? Is our weeknight schedule all in? Are we on fire for the Lord to ignite a flame that glorifies the Lord or acts as a smoke signal for ourselves?

The purpose of the Christian life is not to glorify our own lives but to point to Jesus. This does not have to be done in some grandiose way. Friends, you do not have to work as a Christian camp counselor every summer to be doing the Lord’s work. You do not have to do the internship with your local church’s college ministry to be a legitimate Christ follower. You do not have to wear Lifeway shirts and read your Bible in cool coffee shops and have a verse in your Twitter bio to spread Christ’s message. Writing this blog does not make my faith any more real. We are the hands and feet of God, not a promotional video for him. The way we spread Christ is by being Christ: in how we treat. others, in how we act both in and out of the church, in the words that we say and those that we don’t, in how we love.

Now, don’t get me wrong here. Working as a Christian camp counselor is AWESOME. Lifeway shirts are cool. Everyone loves quaint coffee shops. Doing that church internship is a great way to strengthen your walk with Christ. But don’t look for things of this world to qualify your relationship with the Lord. Our outward appearance does not define who we are. The only one who will ever know the true desires and focus of your heart is Jesus; he is the only person to whom you are accountable.

Comparing ourselves to others, especially our faith, is parasitic to our own individual spiritual growth. God imagined you, knew you, and created your soul long before you were ever born. He began a work in your heart for his Kingdom before you even had a name. Before you knew how to speak or had any control over your thoughts and actions, he was creating a plan in you for how you would impact this world. What makes you think that he is not at work in you now?

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance, in your book we were written, every one, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!” 

–Psalm 139:13-18

Just because your life looks different from someone else’s does not mean that God is not going to use you. He already is. A burning passion for the Lord is only good if the flame is continuously nurtured. Otherwise, it fizzles out. If fiery Christianity is nothing but a cultural trend, what will happen to the faiths of those people when the trend is over? What about when the world beings to tell them they are wrong? Our faith is not only strengthened by the church conferences we attend or the services we participate in or the groups we are a part of. Our relationship with Christ is a day-by-day commitment to his Word and his Will. And that is not always “trendy” or “cool” or “edgy.” It’s real and raw and honest and challenging and a constant work in progress.

You are a work in progress; you are never going to be finished. You are never going to reach some divine moment in your spiritual life where you have all the answers and everything becomes easy.  The truth is, you’re never going to have it all together. And the honest truth? No one else does either. Even in season of being on the hypothetical Mountaintop, you aren’t going to have all the answers. Things are never going to be easy or perfect, and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is not being honest. The Gospel calls us to take up our crosses daily and follow him (Luke 14:27). I don’t know about you, but I don’t see anything glamorous (or instagram worthy for that matter) about this image. “Taking up your cross in Jesus’ time meant carrying your own execution device while facing ridicule on the way to death.” (John Koessler) What about that is “trendy” and “cool?”

It’s not supposed to be! It’s supposed to be real. Challenging. Most importantly, it’s supposed to change your life. I know that if I was literally carrying my own cross and following Jesus, I wouldn’t have the time or the energy to look around and see how everyone else was carrying theirs. The Lord wants to do a work in your life, exactly where you are. He doesn’t need you to be better or cooler or happier or less broken. He needs you to be willing to start working with him. You don’t need to have it all together, you need to admit to Jesus that you are in need of his help. Do not be concerned with what others thing of you, and certainly not what they think about the validity of your relationship with Christ. Find comfort in the one who knows you and loves you in spite of the fact that you are broken. Rejoice in the fact that he is working in you despite your past and your circumstances. God used Paul, the murderer of Christians. God used Timothy and Jeremiah, the young ones. God used Peter, who denied Christ. God used Lazarus, the dead man. God used Rahab, the prostitute. None of these people looked like “sexy Christians.” They were just regular people, broken and burdened, in need of a Savior, who were willing to do God’s work alongside him. Will you stop trying to be better at being a Christian and start trying to be better at giving it all to Christ? We are living to glorify HIS name and HIS purpose. The Kingdom is at hand, and it’s all his. Are we trying to write our names on it, or are we proclaiming that it’s all his?

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” –Galatians 1:10

Lord, we are broken people. It is impossible for me to have it all together, this you and I both know. I pray that you will teach me to thrive in my brokenness, to lean on you because I know I cannot stand on my own. Remind me of who I am in you, and do not let my heart believe that I must be someone else. Strengthen my faith that I may be of best use to you, Lord. Align my heart with your will that I may know the desires of yours. I love you, Lord. I am so thankful that you love a sinner like me.