wandering + waking

So… I guess the only way to start this is

I am back.

So hi. I know it’s been 3 months since my last post. It’s been a loooooooong summer. I won’t bore you too many details about any of it in particular, but let’s just say this may not be the happiest thing I’ve ever written.

The last 3 months have been both a whirlwind and terribly boring. In short, my brother got married (and that was probably the only real thing I did this summer) so I spent a lot of time helping prepare for that, which involved traveling and decorating and crafting and lots of fun things. Most of my friends were only home for short periods of time, or they were working full time, so I spent a lot of time running errands and learning to cook new things and driving around to pass the time.

My summer has seemed to drag on for all eternity. But when I look back I realize that I don’t have a whole lot to show for it.

I didn’t get into wicked shape.

I didn’t read all the books I had planned to.

I didn’t paint enough or take near enough pictures.

I didn’t explore all the cool places I wanted to.

I did play a lot of guitar and drive a lot of miles and watch a lot of movies.

But the one thing I am most sad that I didn’t do was spend adequate time with my Savior.

My time spent with the Lord in my freshman year of college is what first inspired me to blog. I was in such a good place and I was so focused on my walk with Him. And my weekly blog posting actually motivated me to spend more time in the Word and in fellowship with people. So when the summer rolled around, I was lonely and bored and at a standstill with my faith. So, with little motivation to blog due to a slow momentum in my spiritual life, I had little motivation to read the Word, which gave me even less motivation to blog…you see my problem here. It was a vicious cycle of losing the sweet intimacy with Christ that I had been working so long to make paramount.

The thing about drifting from my relationship with Him is that I didn’t really even notice. Everything in life was going just fine, as things normally do. I wasn’t depressed. My life didn’t begin to fall apart, though in some strange way, I wish that it had. My prayers each day were “pleases” for safety and happy days and “thank yous” for all He had done for me. But when I finally realized that I hadn’t held a real, vulnerable, open conversation with God in almost two months, all I could do was look back and stare blankly at all the time I had wasted.

My dad has always told me that our spiritual journey is not a constant straight line, but more of a winding road. Sometimes, you are on the mountain top. Your relationship with the Lord is intimate and strong. You are remaining faithful and fleeing all temptation. Things are glorious. Sometimes, you are in the valley. Sin and Satan are ruling your thoughts and deeds, you are turning from God’s righteousness, and things seem hopeless. But sometimes, you are on a plateau. It is calm, but not beautiful. You can see the sadness of the valley and the joy of the mountain top. There is no great despair, but also no great hope. You are stuck, he would say. And here I am. Stuck.

The Bible tells us that we will answer to all of our life’s decisions at the gates of heaven. Some days, I wonder if Jesus will ask me about this season in my life, and all the times in which I have absolutely adored and obeyed him, and if He will ask me, “why did you pick that over me?”

I want my love and devotion for Jesus to be wild and passionate, unwavering and unending, relentless and reckless, just as his is for me. I think what has kept me from living a radical life the Lord is the misconception that there could be anything better than Jesus. That there is some other form of long-term satisfaction, something else that brings true and lasting joy, some other way we can feel at peace. Maybe it’s relationships, social standing, material things, occupations, opportunities in the world, and the list goes on.  But y’all, Jesus is better. He is always better. Never have I indulged in a sin, wallowed in insecurities, or spent time trying to please the world and thought to myself “wow, this is so much better than loving and being loved by Jesus.” How ridiculous does that sound anyway?

We are the bride of Christ. No form of infidelity can ever satisfy. Choosing another man over your husband will only lead to the downfall of your marriage. And in the same way, choosing ANYTHING over Jesus will only lead to the destruction of a relationship with the only one who truly knows you. As I said in a previous post, the only one who can satisfy the human heart is the One who created it. The further you keep yourself from the Creator, the harder your heart will become.

So this summer, I have been a bit like Jonah. I have been distancing myself from God because I thought that maybe there was something better that obeying Him. Jonah fled the presence of the Lord and took his own path. And we all know what happens next in the story. But how did Jonah save himself? He cried out to the Lord.

“I called out to the Lord, out of my distress, and he answered me;

out of the belly of Sheol I cried,

and you heard my voice.

for you cast me into the deep,

into the heart of the seas,

and the flood surrounded me;

all your waves and your billows

passed over me.

Then I said, ‘I am driven away

from your sight;

yet I shall again look

upon your holy temple.’

The waters closed in over me to take my life;

the deep surrounded me;

weeds were wrapped around my head

and the roots of the mountains.

I went down to the land

whose bars closed up on me forever

yet you brought my life up from the pit,

O Lord my God.

When my life was fainting away,

I remembered the Lord,

and my prayer came to you,

into your holy temple.

Those who pay regard to vain idols

forsake their hope of steadfast love.

But I with the voice of thanksgiving

will sacrifice to you;

what I have vowed I will pay.

Salvation belongs to the Lord!”

-Jonah 2:2-9

He expressed how God had fulfilled his every need and how He had saved him. He gave thanks. He offered himself as a sacrifice. He was sorry. He loved God and did not want to be far from him any longer. He realized that nothing was better, because Jesus is better.

So this season of life has not been ideal. I have cried and been angry and been lonely, but also tried to chase the joy in front of me. But in our weeping and our celebrating and even in the mundane of every day, He wants to be invited in. He doesn’t just want us when we are in good condition, and we don’t just need Him when we are broken. He wants every bit of us in every hour of every day. He wants us to love and obey Him in every season. I am married to Christ my Savior, and I always will be. For the rest of my life and through all of eternity, my relationship with Him must be the most important thing in my life. Like all other relationships, it takes work. It takes time spent reading His Word, a love letter to the world. It takes time spent in prayer, both speaking and listening. It takes endurance and devotion and unshifting eyes. But it is so worth it because Jesus is better.

God, I’ve been wandering for far too long, but I am waking up. This season in my life has only further proven that my joy can only be found in You. I look forward to the days ahead as you lead me through them. I am so sorry for ever thinking I could do it on my own. I need you, today and every day forever, and I promise to love and honor you. Thank you for pursuing me no matter how far I run. I am turning around to rest in you.