open + closed

I am overcommitted.

Looking into colleges this time last year, I was looking to get away. Far away. I was so excited to be different and do something unexpected, to embrace the great unknown and meet all new people and basically start a brand new life after high school. The thought of staying close to home, even in my state, just wasn’t on my mind. I needed to go and to go really far. And I am SO happy I did! But there have been challenges.  Coming to a college so far away with no friends meant that homesickness was going to be inevitable. Not seeing familiar faces or having someone to talk to about things was often discouraging. The only way I knew how to solve this was to put myself out there and get involved in anything and everything I could: sorority recruitment, student government, freshman forum, bible studies, church services, philanthropy organizations, you name it. For me, it was not just a way to build my resume and occupy my time, but literally to make me so busy that I didn’t have time to think about missing anyone, because deep down I was so lonely. But I was meeting people and doing things non-stop. And between my activities, my school work, and my (tiny bit of a) social life, I had little time to do anything but eat and sleep.

I love how involved I’ve been. But in many ways, I was spreading myself very thin, trying to be dedicated to so many things.  I wanted so badly to do as many things as possible and distract myself. And despite how occupied I was, I kept searching for more things: for more people to like me, for more relationships to form, for more opportunities to arise, for more doors to open. I prayed to God to show me what new places he wanted to me work in, new people he wanted me to meet, new things he wanted me to do. I was praying for open doors. Aren’t we all praying for God to open the doors to the rooms we want to enter? To the places he wants us to go?

I think sometimes, I (and probably some of you as well) become frustrated with God when I don’t hear my prayers being answered. I will pray relentlessly about opportunities I have been led to, for God to either ordain them or advance them or bless them. In one of my last posts entitled wishing +waiting, I talked about how God often tells us to wait. I believe he does this for many different reasons: perhaps he has something better in mind, or maybe he knows that our hearts are not mature enough to handle the thing we are praying for. But just as he can tell us to wait, God can also say “no.” He can deny our requests. He can put a stop to our desires. He can turn us away from opportunities. God has the power and authority, but also the compassion, to remove us from things that we may want so badly. And we may never understand why.

I know quite a few of my friends who have been in relationships, either in high school or now in college, in which they find themselves unhappy. I have watched people I love be torn apart by people that they love, to fight painful fights and endure serious hardships. I watch people hold onto things that seem so obviously bad for them. In the same way, I know that I have held on to positions or commitments that the Lord wanted me to rid myself of. There are plenty of friendships I’ve had in the last few years that were so tough on my heart, so full of burden, entirely opposite of what the bible defines as healthy relationships. And I kept them up, thinking that there was a purpose for them, thinking there was work to be done.

I know that I prayed, just as my friends did, for the situations to become better. We pray for God to fix the problems we are facing and to make things as good as they once were. We beg and plead for him to do the things we want so badly. We pray for God to open new doors, and to reopen old ones. More often that not, we pray for things to change or for new things to become apparent, when really we should be praying for God to remove things from us that do not please him. This is a much harder prayer to pray. But our God is a loving and wise father. He is our dad. Can you remember times when you were young and you wanted ice cream for breakfast? Or you wanted to go outside late at night? Or you wanted to have a sleepover on a weekday? And your dad said no? You know that it isn’t because he doesn’t want you to be happy. It’s because he knows what is best for you. He is older and wiser and he knows that ice cream is not a sufficient breakfast, and that going outside in the dark when you are 5 years old is dangerous, and that having sleepovers on a weekday means you won’t get enough sleep for school the next day. He has been your age and he has made mistakes and he has seen things you haven’t seen, and he just knows when things are not good for you, even when you don’t understand that. In the same way, our God can see things that we cannot. He can see if a relationship is going to lead to trouble for us. He can see if an opportunity is going to lead to a poor change in our character. He knows if a job is not for us, or if a person is not for us, or if a place is not for us. And he wants so badly for good to come to us that he will do anything and everything to protect us, even if it means that we are upset with him.

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans for good and not for disaster, plans to give you hope and a future.’” –Jeremiah 29:11

“And despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ Jesus, who loved us.” –Romans 8:37

“But all who listen to me will live in peace,  untroubled by fear or harm.” –Proverbs 1:33

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose.” –Romans 8:28

“…the Lord gave me what I had and the Lord has taken it away; praise the name of the Lord!” –Job 1:21

{If anyone knows what is it like for God to slam doors in his face, it’s Job. If you are feeling like you are in a season of many closed doors and broken promises, I encourage you to read the book of Job and be encouraged by the promises God has given you and see ways that he is working through your struggle!}

God has promised us that he only wants the absolute best for us because he loves us with an incredible love that we can never comprehend. And though his plan may cause us distress in the short term, it is all working together for our joy in the long run. God will never place you in a situation that is not intended to further your work in his kingdom. He gives and takes away because he is good. How blessed our we to have a father that sees into the future and adjusts our lives in the present to protect us?

Praying for God to close doors that we so desperately want to keep open can be painful. Especially when it comes to relationships or titles we hold. We often put our identity in things that are not him. And that is not what he wants for us. We often spread ourselves to thin: we give too much of ourselves to people and obligations that we run out of love for ourselves and most importantly for our heavenly father. We get involved in too many things that distract us from spending time with him. He sees this and it hurts him. He is a jealous God! But mostly, an incredibly loving one. So sometimes, he is going to say no. He is going to tell you to let go and return to him. He will break you in order to make you better. For me during my dating sabbatical, I have had to pray relentlessly for God to close doors that seem open, because I know that I am in a season of life where he does not intend for a relationship to happen, even though sometimes I want to pursue things so badly. It can be so hard to let go of things that we have held on to for so long. But I encourage you to begin praying for God to open doors and also to close them. Pray for God to do what is best for his kingdom, and for everything you encounter to fulfill his plan.

God, how blessed we are to have you to guide us. I cannot be more thankful for a father who knows what is best for me and will do anything necessary to make my life reflect your will. God, if where I am and what I am doing is not your will, please slam the door of this opportunity in my face that I may have no doubt upon which pathway I must venture. Please direct me in a way that is pleasing to you God, for the cry of my heart is to please you and do what you desire for me. Make my heart more sensitive to your direction, God, and help me to be joyful in the in the fire of affliction. Help me to rejoice when you close the door.  I love you and I am so honored to be a part of your plan.